Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
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Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
there has never been a better use of this meme
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
meow