Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
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Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
You know…for fall…
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”