my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
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Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not