If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
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Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
How did we not see this back then?
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.