Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
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Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”