I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
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Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn