Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
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My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Every house has this drawer
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!