I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
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5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
mumsnet is amazing
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
respect