[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
You Might Also Like
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
Hello Twits.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
ACED my prostate exam!
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.