It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
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Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this