We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
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Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself