Can we not just call it Zealand now?
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Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
How long do you have to wait between naps?
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.