Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
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No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.