A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
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Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.