My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
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The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways