Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
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Pikachu found the lost joint
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
“TGIM!” – My liver
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super