How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
You Might Also Like
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.