5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
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if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
Jesus Christ lmao
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.