*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
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Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.