Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
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Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?