It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
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But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.