Kids, do not try this at home!
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Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Butt weight. There’s more!
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex