I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
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[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
White Castle for the Win
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit