[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
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One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.