I mean…but I did
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Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.