[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
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It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door