Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
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friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
they finally got him. they got macavity
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)