The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
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OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
Never forget.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes