son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
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“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
That eye roll….
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?