eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
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In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges