I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
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The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
this FaceApp is creepy af
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
my mom making me talk to relatives
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
I only treason on days ending in y