Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
You Might Also Like
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Cat.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
adding to the discourse
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
For those that worship cheese..
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
My hips? Compulsive liars.