No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
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Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.