A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
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Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
😬
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
wait.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die