How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
You Might Also Like
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
WHO DID THIS?
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
tourist season
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-