The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
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Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
notice
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
My neck, my back, my…
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists