I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
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I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account