OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
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@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.