I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
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i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.