Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
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Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in