[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
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One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Blew my mind.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS