The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
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Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.