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They’re stuck in your pants?
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.