Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
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So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
nobody’s gonna understand
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST