My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
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My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.