Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
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I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Left at a local drug store…
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards