Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
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Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?