A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
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[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn