Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
You Might Also Like
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Said the murderer.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Seas the day!!!!
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.