Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
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When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours